Give yourself some credit

So where am I?
I Googled myself today because I was applying to a remote position based off of a social media site. I thought it would be wise to check out my internet presence. If you haven't done this, I highly suggest it! My Twitter feed was the first thing to pop up. I haven't posted since 2015 but all of my life is there for anyone to see! Facebook did not pop up, surprisingly, but this blog sure did! I thought to myself 'Since I'm actively looking for hobbies & ways to make income and keep myself sane at home, why not start blogging again?' People magically make money off of being social media influencers and having tons of people read their blogs; maybe mine will be read that often too! (Pipe dream- clearly)
Then I looked at my stats and shockingly enough one of the AdvoCare posts got over 4000 reads! That motivated me. I haven't written anything in this blog in years, not since we lived overseas. So this is my update and I don't think it will be the last one for another few years.

So you all can get up to speed: We're living in Maryland close to the D.C. area because Mike has found tons of job opportunities in D.C.! I actually love it so far. I graduated college with a MS in Mental Health Counseling (more on this later).
Oh yeah and we have two kids now- that's probably why I never wrote. No time! I'm shocked I have time now. Really the only reason I'm here is that I'm extremely boring. I binge watch TV and constantly share memes on social media. Both kids happen to be asleep. I think I'll share.

On to the post title: Give yourself some credit

I've been struggling as a mom (don't we all). But seriously, I still feel like a new mom and Cambria is almost two. Of course I do have a newborn, but does this feeling ever go away? Does the confidence build to the point where you're like 'Ok I can do this now!'? Because I'm struggling. I want it all and I want to be able to share my thoughts and feelings with someone, anyone who gets it. Marilyn is a pretty cranky baby, way more than Cambria was. She's still an easy baby compared to others, but for me she's hard, she's needy, she has stomach problems, she can't gain weight correctly...etc...etc...etc... Maybe it's harder with Marilyn because I have Cambria and can't just devote all of my time to one of them. Speaking of that- terrible two's are a thing but like terrible TODDLERS is another thing. I'm pretty sure that every age has their own unique definition of awful hidden somewhere behind the joy that distracts us from how painful having children REALLY is. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, but damn when they're screaming at me in sync, at the same pitch, for the same amount of time, I seriously question why I got myself into this!

There are so many mom topics I want to put on this blog. That's probably how people make money blogging. MOMS. Moms are the ones sitting at home with so much to say and so many funny stories and nowhere to go with them. THAT IS ME. The truth is, this whole mom thing is really hard. There is no preparation for how this will take a toll on you. There is no amount of college that can prepare you for the amount of alcohol you need to actually reset, as a mom. (Kidding...kinda) I had some intense pre and postpartum depression. Yes I said pre- my hormones with Marilyn spun out of control. Our life was insane and I had literally no control over what was happening to me. The result was a serious bout of suicidal thoughts ( YES- I SAID IT) and intense marital issues. After the baby came it was like instant relief. Like the monsters that were weighing me down just -POOF- disappeared. Except they didn't. I definitely don't have it as bad as it could be or as it was, but PPD is a serious issue. It came back several weeks after having the baby. It was a struggle cocktail that was (and still is) choking me as it goes down. Things like post baby weight (two babies back to back does not do that body good), family problems, screaming kids, newborn anxiety, feeling like I'm FAILING my husband, FAILING my toddler, FAILING my baby and therefore failing myself.

Why does that happen? My house is clean, the dishes are done, everyone is fed and clothed and has a warm bed. I feel like it happens because society paints this image of being the perfect mother- 'it's a blessing' is a term I have heard since my very first pregnancy. Is it a blessing? (cue love for kids here). It feels like a never ending pile of work where I am not only the manager, but I'm also the CFO, CEO, Owner and mastermind behind the production. That means- no break- ever. I think that weight ALONE is enough for me to feel like a failure. Combine the pressure of actually starting my career now that we've moved 3 times in the past 6 years (holy SHIT), and you literally have a cluster fuck of emotions.

Two weeks ago there was 1 inch of snow on the ground and the entire DMV area shut down so Mike was home with us. He decided to take the cars for oil changes. While he was getting his done he thought it would be helpful to purchase a $300+ Toyota Care plan for his vehicle (two checks after being unemployed for 4 months- more to come on that). Without going into detail, I lost my mind. My birthday was coming up, we had just purchased a bed, I wanted to have something for myself for my birthday that I knew was likely too expensive- so the guilt set in.

I
Lost
My
Mind

How can we afford this? I don't make any money.And seeing the daycare market versus actual salary market, I won't be making any, anytime soon.
Again, without going into more detail (a story for a husband's post), Michael reminded me not to carry such a burden. He got a job that allows us to afford ALL of our bills and have some fun money left over. How lucky are we! He told me to focus on being a mom for now.

Focus on a job I literally feel unqualified for, that I have no training on,  where I feel like I'm failing, and am constantly criticized for the job I do. I spent 8 years becoming a counselor and I still have more work to show I know what I'm doing... but sure I will focus on a completely unrelated and frankly undertrained position. How hard can it be?

I was reminded today after doing 20 minutes of Yoga, as I am reminded every time I do Yoga, to give myself some credit. The person on the video said something like 'if you're feeling competitive just take this moment to put the pieces back together, give your body some credit, allow yourself to rebuild'. Every time I hear that I think of my unravelling problems: my post baby body, my post baby anxiety, my post baby criticism, my post baby relationship problems...
And I take the zipper and zip it all up. I pick up the pieces and place them back onto the Ryanne puzzle. I ravel the strings that hold me together and hold them from unravelling. I remind myself that I'm enough, this is enough, my body just created TWO HUMANS so it is enough. What I do for my children right now, it's not only enough- it's the most valuable thing I can ever do for them.

Moral of the blog post is self motherfucking care. Without it, I just unravel. I am trying to give myself some credit, but damn am I my own worst critic!!