I didn’t realize I had so many OB/GYNs in my life!
To quote a complete stranger, but wise woman named Mariah Cocopoti, "I didn’t realize I had so many OB/GYNs in my life!"
It was this image that one of my favorite mom friends posted. Mariah commented on it sharing a similar experience. In her testimony of WHAT ALL OF US go through, she shared the title of this post and I didn't even hesitate. I told her that it was my blog motivation because I've been literally experiencing this since kids started. I am probably subconsciously guilty of this with my friends who are having kids for the first time, but I actively try NOT to give dumbass recommendations. At the end of the day it's not ME who is taking care of these kids, right?
I can't even count how many of these same things I have heard and no, I won't directly quote them this time, but I will share them!
"If you hold her too much she will be spoiled." (She was a month old)
"You should give her a bottle, she will get more food that way."
"If you put shoes on her feet she will learn to walk faster."
"She's too cold! You need to dress her warmer." (In the GA summertime...)
"You'll be fine, you will love her when you meet her." (Referring to PPD)
"Do you want to wear a cover while you breastfeed?"
"Let's all leave the room so you can have privacy."
I think you get the picture. These are just a few that I have been able to pull from the back of my mind. Don't even get me started on the breastfeeding comments...those are simply the worst.
We really need to get our shit together people. Are we going to continue to raise our sons and daughters in a shitty, judgmental society? We already regulate nearly EVERYTHING about the magic of childbirth, can we not just let moms be moms and dads be dads? Do we have to constantly give our opinions and criticisms? No. We really don't.
My critical thinking question of the day: Do you really feel so highly of yourself that you think your opinion even matters to that mother?
Let's reflect on that. If she didn't ask you or her public forum that question, do you REALLY think she wants you to give her the answers? Because in all honesty, we all just want to share our experiences. Having a kid is wonderful, crazy, insane, and literally the most amazing life event we will ever had. Whether it was 30 or 50 years ago or yesterday, we all have a story. The beauty of this experience is that everything we do, assuming we aren't neglectful or abusive pieces of shit, is that in our child's eyes we do everything right. Until the dreaded teen years (personally I'm terrified). This purely unconditional love our children give us from the beginning makes us feel like we're experts, but we're really only experts for ourselves, our kids and our family. We are NOT experts for our neighbor's pregnant daughter, our cousin's cousin who is expecting his first kid, or the new family walking through Wal Mart. Furthermore, we shouldn't assume that every person in our lives wants us to share what we think. This is key in therapy. The first, most useful thing I learned in school was that therapists do not give advice. Counselors don't typically give advice or tell clients what they think as a form of problem solving. Mostly because it creates a whole bunch of problems in the therapeutic relationship. People don't want to feel like there's something wrong with them even if they are seeking help with a problem. That is what advice giving does. So if someone who is literally trained to give you answers and fixes your problems (or helps to), shouldn't give advice, then why should we? You ever see in a movie where they start the response with 'Let me give you a little bit of advice...' ? No? Next time you see a movie watch the person on the receiving end's face.
Don't get me wrong! First time parents reaching out to their support system ASKING questions- that's entirely different. I'm not knocking this. I'm not even knocking advice givers or opinions that make sense. What we are talking about here is blatant offensive criticism/opinionated advice. We're talking about looking at someone's choices for their family and their children and deciding to take it upon ourselves and share with them our experiences in hopes they will change what they do.
Again- I really had no idea I had so many OB/GYN's and PEDIATRICIANS in my life. I don't even take my pediatrician seriously. When the DR told me that Similac was better for my kid than my natural breastmilk I stopped listening to everything they said and chose another Dr.
While we're at it, let's stop sending shitty comments to our fellow mommas, neighbors, sisters, working moms, dads, grandparents about their success. This just goes along with my theme. Who died and made you the expert of life? I want to surround myself with people who want to lift me up and encourage me to do my absolute best. I want the people in my circle to literally be applauding me. Whether it means I was able to actually get both of my children dressed for the weather or if I made $500 off my new business, I expect them to be applauding me. That's what we ALL expect. In times of exploration and new endeavors, we just want to know we're doing a good job. We may not want feedback on how to expect to fail. We may not want to know what happened in 1970 something when you had 8 kids and did it all.
It doesn't make us feel any better to know that you can handle life when it constantly feels like I'm stepping on leggo after sharp, mother fucking LEGGO!
Lift each other up. Be excited about your friend's journey as a new mom. Offer words of encouragement, validation, grace and kindness. Tell your friend who started a new business how proud they are. Don't let your doubts become reality, because all that does is tear away a trusting relationship. We owe it to ourselves and our children to do better when it comes to parenting and success. We need to leave the judgment at the door and open our minds to the possibility that You and I can both be experts at what we do and also do it differently because truly, there's no rulebook for how things are supposed to go, is there?
It was this image that one of my favorite mom friends posted. Mariah commented on it sharing a similar experience. In her testimony of WHAT ALL OF US go through, she shared the title of this post and I didn't even hesitate. I told her that it was my blog motivation because I've been literally experiencing this since kids started. I am probably subconsciously guilty of this with my friends who are having kids for the first time, but I actively try NOT to give dumbass recommendations. At the end of the day it's not ME who is taking care of these kids, right?
I can't even count how many of these same things I have heard and no, I won't directly quote them this time, but I will share them!
"If you hold her too much she will be spoiled." (She was a month old)
"You should give her a bottle, she will get more food that way."
"If you put shoes on her feet she will learn to walk faster."
"She's too cold! You need to dress her warmer." (In the GA summertime...)
"You'll be fine, you will love her when you meet her." (Referring to PPD)
"Do you want to wear a cover while you breastfeed?"
"Let's all leave the room so you can have privacy."
We really need to get our shit together people. Are we going to continue to raise our sons and daughters in a shitty, judgmental society? We already regulate nearly EVERYTHING about the magic of childbirth, can we not just let moms be moms and dads be dads? Do we have to constantly give our opinions and criticisms? No. We really don't.
My critical thinking question of the day: Do you really feel so highly of yourself that you think your opinion even matters to that mother?
Don't get me wrong! First time parents reaching out to their support system ASKING questions- that's entirely different. I'm not knocking this. I'm not even knocking advice givers or opinions that make sense. What we are talking about here is blatant offensive criticism/opinionated advice. We're talking about looking at someone's choices for their family and their children and deciding to take it upon ourselves and share with them our experiences in hopes they will change what they do.
Again- I really had no idea I had so many OB/GYN's and PEDIATRICIANS in my life. I don't even take my pediatrician seriously. When the DR told me that Similac was better for my kid than my natural breastmilk I stopped listening to everything they said and chose another Dr.
While we're at it, let's stop sending shitty comments to our fellow mommas, neighbors, sisters, working moms, dads, grandparents about their success. This just goes along with my theme. Who died and made you the expert of life? I want to surround myself with people who want to lift me up and encourage me to do my absolute best. I want the people in my circle to literally be applauding me. Whether it means I was able to actually get both of my children dressed for the weather or if I made $500 off my new business, I expect them to be applauding me. That's what we ALL expect. In times of exploration and new endeavors, we just want to know we're doing a good job. We may not want feedback on how to expect to fail. We may not want to know what happened in 1970 something when you had 8 kids and did it all.
It doesn't make us feel any better to know that you can handle life when it constantly feels like I'm stepping on leggo after sharp, mother fucking LEGGO!
Lift each other up. Be excited about your friend's journey as a new mom. Offer words of encouragement, validation, grace and kindness. Tell your friend who started a new business how proud they are. Don't let your doubts become reality, because all that does is tear away a trusting relationship. We owe it to ourselves and our children to do better when it comes to parenting and success. We need to leave the judgment at the door and open our minds to the possibility that You and I can both be experts at what we do and also do it differently because truly, there's no rulebook for how things are supposed to go, is there?
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