Domestic violence is NOT a family matter. It is everyone’s business.
This week I got inspired because I have seen a few friends share their personal stories about domestic violence or intimate partner violence and I thought 'wow, that took them a huge amount of courage to share'. I wanted to share another story of someone who experiences intimate partner violence. This is something I did while I was on the radio over in Germany for October's Domestic Violence Awareness month. It's really wild to see people's reactions to these stories because sometimes people think 'whoa that really happened?'. It's much more common than you realize.
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) shares statistics on who experiences this type of violence. You can actually visit their website at https://ncadv.org/statistics to check the stats in your state specifically. Let's check these stats real quick:
⤗On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States.
⤗1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have been victims of severe physical violence (e.g. beating, burning, strangling) by an intimate partner in their lifetime
⤗1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 men have been stalked by an intimate partner during their lifetime to the point in which they felt very fearful or believed that they or someone close to them would be harmed or killed
⤗Women between the ages of 18-24 are most commonly abused by an intimate partner.
⤗1 in 5 women and 1 in 71 men in the United States has been raped in their lifetime.
⤗1 in 15 children are exposed to intimate partner violence each year, and 90% of these children are eyewitnesses to this violence.
⤗Women who earn 65% or more of their households’ income are more likely to be psychologically abused than women who learn less than 65% of their households’ income.
⤗48.4% of women and 48.8% of men have experienced at least one psychologically aggressive behavior by an intimate partner
There are TONS of statistics. You can go to the website and find them on your own! I think some of these stats seem intense, at least for me. That means at least one of the women in my family have been abused (me, at one point). WHAAAT!! I am so passionate about this issue because it's so often swept under the rug and I have literally seen what is has done to people that I love. We need to talk about it! Here is an excerpt from a survivor story I found on https://www.thehotline.org/about-the-hotline/share-your-story
Francesca's Story
"I married my ex-husband in October of 2005 thinking that he was a kind, gentle, compassionate, and caring man. Not until I was pregnant with our child did I see his true character. When I was about six months pregnant, he slapped me across my face, leaving me with a black eye and knocking me to the ground. Luckily nothing happened to my baby, but the abuse did not end there. At the time, I was living in Ecuador. I was trapped and scared."
"Rape was a regular occurrence in our home, and I cannot count the number of times I laid in bed crying as he raped me. He also strangled me on a regular basis, slammed my head into the walls of our home, leaving large holes, tortured me sexually, mentally, psychologically, and ruined me financially.
He hit our three your old daughter in the face, leaving a large bruise, then kept her home from day care for several days until the bruise was no longer visible...
Perhaps one of the worst parts of this whole story is that he almost killed me. Actually, he did kill me, but thankfully doctors were able to revive me..."
"It is my firm belief that my ex-husband poisoned me with scopolamine, a common date rape drug in parts of Latin America. He called my medical school and told them I had tried to kill myself, instead of giving them the true story, which then led to me being expelled from school. He has sabotaged my career, my jobs, did not allow me to have any friends or family in my life, destroyed my home and beat my pets."
"When I have told my story to friends and family, a few people’s reaction is to ask why I didn’t leave sooner, or they simply don’t believe me at all. It is a shock to me how undereducated the public is on domestic violence."
"I have had a domestic violence advocate tell me that there is only a 50/50 chance that someone will get convicted of domestic battery in my county, even in cases where there are bloody pictures, good witnesses, hospital reports, and other evidence."
"Domestic violence is NOT a family matter. It is everyone’s business."
Wow. What an intense story. I'll tell you guys working as an advocate I had clients like this, except military members acted this way. YES. YOU HEARD ME. Those men and woman that defend our country are also capable of doing this to someone. That's why you need to know the signs:
Psychological warning signs/abuse:
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) shares statistics on who experiences this type of violence. You can actually visit their website at https://ncadv.org/statistics to check the stats in your state specifically. Let's check these stats real quick:
⤗On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States.
⤗1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have been victims of severe physical violence (e.g. beating, burning, strangling) by an intimate partner in their lifetime
⤗1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 men have been stalked by an intimate partner during their lifetime to the point in which they felt very fearful or believed that they or someone close to them would be harmed or killed
⤗Women between the ages of 18-24 are most commonly abused by an intimate partner.
⤗1 in 5 women and 1 in 71 men in the United States has been raped in their lifetime.
⤗1 in 15 children are exposed to intimate partner violence each year, and 90% of these children are eyewitnesses to this violence.
⤗Women who earn 65% or more of their households’ income are more likely to be psychologically abused than women who learn less than 65% of their households’ income.
⤗48.4% of women and 48.8% of men have experienced at least one psychologically aggressive behavior by an intimate partner
There are TONS of statistics. You can go to the website and find them on your own! I think some of these stats seem intense, at least for me. That means at least one of the women in my family have been abused (me, at one point). WHAAAT!! I am so passionate about this issue because it's so often swept under the rug and I have literally seen what is has done to people that I love. We need to talk about it! Here is an excerpt from a survivor story I found on https://www.thehotline.org/about-the-hotline/share-your-story
Francesca's Story
"I married my ex-husband in October of 2005 thinking that he was a kind, gentle, compassionate, and caring man. Not until I was pregnant with our child did I see his true character. When I was about six months pregnant, he slapped me across my face, leaving me with a black eye and knocking me to the ground. Luckily nothing happened to my baby, but the abuse did not end there. At the time, I was living in Ecuador. I was trapped and scared."
"Rape was a regular occurrence in our home, and I cannot count the number of times I laid in bed crying as he raped me. He also strangled me on a regular basis, slammed my head into the walls of our home, leaving large holes, tortured me sexually, mentally, psychologically, and ruined me financially.
He hit our three your old daughter in the face, leaving a large bruise, then kept her home from day care for several days until the bruise was no longer visible...
Perhaps one of the worst parts of this whole story is that he almost killed me. Actually, he did kill me, but thankfully doctors were able to revive me..."
"It is my firm belief that my ex-husband poisoned me with scopolamine, a common date rape drug in parts of Latin America. He called my medical school and told them I had tried to kill myself, instead of giving them the true story, which then led to me being expelled from school. He has sabotaged my career, my jobs, did not allow me to have any friends or family in my life, destroyed my home and beat my pets."
"When I have told my story to friends and family, a few people’s reaction is to ask why I didn’t leave sooner, or they simply don’t believe me at all. It is a shock to me how undereducated the public is on domestic violence."
"I have had a domestic violence advocate tell me that there is only a 50/50 chance that someone will get convicted of domestic battery in my county, even in cases where there are bloody pictures, good witnesses, hospital reports, and other evidence."
"Domestic violence is NOT a family matter. It is everyone’s business."
Wow. What an intense story. I'll tell you guys working as an advocate I had clients like this, except military members acted this way. YES. YOU HEARD ME. Those men and woman that defend our country are also capable of doing this to someone. That's why you need to know the signs:
Psychological warning signs/abuse:
- Humiliating the victim
- Controlling what the victim can or cannot do
- Withholding information from the victim
- Deliberately doing something to make the victim feel diminished or embarrassed
- Isolating the victim from friends and/or family
- Denying the victim access to money or other basic resources
- Stalking
- Demeaning the victim in public or in private
- Undermining the victim’s confidence and/or sense of self-worth
- Convincing the victim (s)he is crazy
Physical abuse and Sexual Assault are often about power and control. In fact, most abuse is and we are likely exposed to it at one point or another.
Another really sneaky, really powerful form of abuse is 'gaslighting' or convincing the victim he or she is crazy. This is a mind blowing concept to most people because often times gaslighting goes under the radar in efforts to cover up a person's flaws or mistakes, twisting the plot back on the person who's receiving the harsh words.
People who gaslight tell lies, deny they ever said something even with proof and they use your insecurities as ammunition. They wear you down over time, their actions don't match their words, and they use positive reinforcement to confuse you. Gaslighters project their insecurities onto you, align people against you to make their story more believable and convince you that you are crazy; that everyone else who could potentially support you is lying.
More on Gaslighting:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting
Is the question everybody asks. People even isolate those that chose not to walk away from the abusive relationship because it is just too painful to watch. Most victims don't understand they are in this type of relationship until it has cycled through violent phases. This is very important for friends and family to understand. The person being victimized is caught in the cycle and it sometimes takes weeks, months, even years to repeat itself. At that point, the victim is often dependent on the abuser, their children rely on the house that they both live in.
And sometimes, there is simply nowhere for the victim to go.
But sometimes the victim believes, truly believes that things will change, that things aren't as bad as they are 'because there's no way that this would happen to ME.'
As you can see there is a honeymoon phase in between the two escalation phases. I'd describe this as the all or nothing kind of relationship. When it's good- it's amazing, it's fire, it's heavy, it's beautiful, it's invigorating!
When it's bad, it's bruises on your ribs, your eyes, it's words so sharp they convince you that you're nothing, it's someone forcing themselves onto you sexually despite you saying no.
Because you're married, so it's not rape, right?
One time a victim shared that this cycle took 6 months to complete. The first incident happened and she thought it was a 'one time thing'. It didn't happen again for 6 months!
Let me tell you, if someone is capable of hurting you ONE time, they're capable of hurting you over and over and over.
And most times, for most victims, the only way out is through.
The good news is there is always a way out.
There is ALWAYS a way, even when you're convinced that there isn't.
Domestic violence is more than just a marital or family issue. It's deadly. If it's not deadly, then the damage can at times be lifelong.
The first step is to TALK about it! So often we are convinced that these issues are so sensitive we can't discuss them. Who had that idea?! Probably the abuser, themselves!!
https://www.thehotline.org/
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Another really sneaky, really powerful form of abuse is 'gaslighting' or convincing the victim he or she is crazy. This is a mind blowing concept to most people because often times gaslighting goes under the radar in efforts to cover up a person's flaws or mistakes, twisting the plot back on the person who's receiving the harsh words.
People who gaslight tell lies, deny they ever said something even with proof and they use your insecurities as ammunition. They wear you down over time, their actions don't match their words, and they use positive reinforcement to confuse you. Gaslighters project their insecurities onto you, align people against you to make their story more believable and convince you that you are crazy; that everyone else who could potentially support you is lying.
More on Gaslighting:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting
So Why Don't You Just Leave?
Is the question everybody asks. People even isolate those that chose not to walk away from the abusive relationship because it is just too painful to watch. Most victims don't understand they are in this type of relationship until it has cycled through violent phases. This is very important for friends and family to understand. The person being victimized is caught in the cycle and it sometimes takes weeks, months, even years to repeat itself. At that point, the victim is often dependent on the abuser, their children rely on the house that they both live in.And sometimes, there is simply nowhere for the victim to go.
But sometimes the victim believes, truly believes that things will change, that things aren't as bad as they are 'because there's no way that this would happen to ME.'
When it's bad, it's bruises on your ribs, your eyes, it's words so sharp they convince you that you're nothing, it's someone forcing themselves onto you sexually despite you saying no.
Because you're married, so it's not rape, right?
One time a victim shared that this cycle took 6 months to complete. The first incident happened and she thought it was a 'one time thing'. It didn't happen again for 6 months!
Let me tell you, if someone is capable of hurting you ONE time, they're capable of hurting you over and over and over.
And most times, for most victims, the only way out is through.
The good news is there is always a way out.
There is ALWAYS a way, even when you're convinced that there isn't.
Domestic violence is more than just a marital or family issue. It's deadly. If it's not deadly, then the damage can at times be lifelong.
The first step is to TALK about it! So often we are convinced that these issues are so sensitive we can't discuss them. Who had that idea?! Probably the abuser, themselves!!
https://www.thehotline.org/
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
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